I find Michelin's current ad campaign disturbing. The Michelin Man is shown to be a tire pervert. He is a peeping Tom, staring with unnatural longing at tires while helpless tourists are nearby. He is shown slow dancing with underage tires in a factory. It's just not natural. Where I come from (Akron, Ohio - Rubber Capital of the World) we regard tires with a little dignity. Unlike the puffy Michelin Man, who comes from France and is at last revealed to be a lecher. I did some research into his sordid past; it seems that the Michelin Man started off as an alcoholic. In fact his name, "Bibendum", comes from the Latin "Nunc Est Bibendum", "Now is the time to drink!" This was meant to be a classy interpretation of the company's slogan "Michelin tires swallow all obstacles". (I'm not even going to discuss how wrong that is.) So now, in the 21st century, Bibendum (if indeed that is his real name) has gone from drunkeness to no-holds-barred tire buggery.

These depraved Michelin commercials first came to my attention while watching football on TV. And watching football has brought to light another unnatural attraction - the unrestrained lust that TV sportscasters feel for Buccaneers defensive tackle Warren Sapp. John Madden, who I thought was a real man's man, apparently is. During the Monday night Bucs / Rams game last month, Madden positively waxed rhapsodic over #99. It was a verbal make-out session. But Madden isn't alone in his Warren Sapp longings. Each week, during the Tampa Bay NFL broadcast, there is one network camera trained at all times on Sapp. On field or off, spitting, swearing, waving to the crowd - they might as well have a picture-in-picture, Late Night Sapp Cam, All Sapp All the Time. The sportscasters have not noticed that Sapp is the first to sprint over to wherever the action is to ensure himself of some extra face-time; though at this point it's an unneccesary action, he's always on camera. Not that he's not a good defensive tackle; it's just so much overkill. Which leads me to believe that besides John Madden, there's at least one highly-placed executive at Fox Sports who has a big crush on big Warren Sapp.

I think these things - the creepy Michelin Man and his tire-fondling, and the whole "Warren Sapp is So Hot" universality amongst sports casters - are all interrelated. Just examine the visual evidence in these unretouched photos, but try not to think too much about it right before lunch.