It started with an attempt at a new outlook on life. Last week I decided that I shouldn't expect much, that way I won't be disappointed. It's a fine line, because you can't do it if self-pity or envy is in the mix. It's an acceptance issue. I guess it might be a Zen thing, I haven't studied Eastern thought very much.

Then I visited evilbible.com. (I think that's the website.) The author is pretty angry, but she has taken some time to study the Bible and find the various contradictions in the book. I used to tend to believe in reincarnation, but that's just a coping strategy, because the thought that there's just nothing waiting for us all at the end of the line is scary. It just made me think, think about all the wars that have been fought over religion, the horrible things people do to each other in the name of their god. And the book that gives them the instructions to do these things contradicts itself.

For the past day or so I've been dealing with a growing realization that modern life is pretty much pointless and without meaning. At least, mine is. I make pretty pictures and write bullet points. To help sell black boxes. That's it. That's all there is to my so-called career. No one is made a better person because of what I do for a living. The company might make some sales as a result of my work, it might not. Shouldn't I be out there saving the whales?

Let's look at how I spend much of my spare time, in a pseudo-historical play group. Ultimately no one gets any tangible good from my research or my costumes. Costuming is actually a pretty selfish hobby. So I found out what English people feed their hunting dogs in the 1500s, big deal. It's all such a waste of resources. So there's no better pay-off as a result of how I spend my spare time.

And it's not like I can go join some hippie commune, if they even have those anymore. I have to have health insurance. And they won't sell it to me as an individual off the street, even if I did have the money to do that, due to a pre-existing condition, insurance companies have to be forced by my employer to cover me. I literally am a wage slave. There's hardly any way I could ever be self-employed for the insurance reason alone. I've just had this realization that even if I didn't want any stuff, like a house, or nice vacations, I still would have to work. No matter what. And it's not like I want to stay home and eat bon-bons and watch Dr. Phil, I don't have a problem working. It's just so...absurd. Stupid. Again, pointless.

I wonder, would having a child somehow justify my waste of resources? There's other people out ther perpetuating the human race, so there's no pressing need to reproduce just to give life meaning or whatever. And that pre-existing condition would make pregnancy risky, to say the least. My genes are a real Russian roulette of bad things waiting to manifest, so I would feel bad passing that stuff on to another generation anyway.

All that's going to be around to attest to my life when I die is my stuff. Someone will have to go through all of my stuff and get rid of it. At the end of my life I just have to make sure there's enough money to bury me (cremation squicks me out).

I've been on this slow campaign of self improvement. Trying to keep my weight down. Trying to be a better housekeeper. Trying to take care of my various health issues. Trying to save for the future. Trying to manage my money better. Why? What's the point? Isn't it selfish for me to want even more? It seems kind of shallow to want a vacation or a house. You know, my brother doesn't have a lot of money, and that always worries Mum. But what is he ultimately missing? He has a place to live, he has food, clothes, so he doesn't have lots of things. He seems pretty content.

And the weird thing is, I'm not depressed. It's just a realization. Can't really change the situation. I can't really think of a way to make a difference to my fellow humans. It's even kind of selfish in a way to want to do that, you know, justify one's existance.

So, ultimately, what's the point? I have no idea. But I do want you to know that I'm just trying to get this either out of my system or into a form my brain can digest. I don't want you feeling sorry or whatever for me, either.