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                                 The Tick

                              "The Funeral"

                   Original Air Date: 15 November 2001

                   

                   

                                   CAST
                       The Tick - Patrick Warburton
                           Arthur - David Burke
                       Captain Liberty - Liz Vassey
                       Batmanuel - Nestor Carbonell

                               Guest Stars
                       The Immortal - Sam McMurray
                         Clarissa - Meadow Sisto
                     Five-Star General - Richard Penn
                            Kevin - T.J. Thyne
                      General's Aide - Darin Cooper
                         Cop #2 - Maury Ginsberg
                        Paralegal - Casey McDonald
                         Cop #1 - Charley Rossman
                                     

                                     

                                     

                                     

         NOTE: This is not an official script, nor was it derived
     from one.  This is a transcript of a publicly broadcast episode.

                                  TEASER

    FADE IN:
    INT. FUNERAL HOME

    Close-up on THE TICK, with flags behind him.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Death.  The eternal blink.  The capricious
                  dance of "now you've stopped moving
                  forever".

    Wider angle which reveals that he's standing at a podium, in front
    of which is a casket emblazoned with a large "I".  We are in a
    funeral home, or perhaps an exceptionally generic
    nondenominational chapel.

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, contrary to popular belief, death
                  isn't just for dead people.  It can happen
                  to anyone.  I know.  It was news to me,
                  too.  And it's not just people, either! 
                  It's all kinds of stuff.

    Brief shot of BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN LIBERTY sitting in the
    pews.

                                 THE TICK
                  Horses, fiddler crabs... did you know that
                  even a potato can die?

    Close-up on a grieving WIDOW.  

                                  WIDOW
                  This man is mad.  

    Medium shot on a FIVE-STAR GENERAL and his AIDE.  The Aide
    whispers something to the General.

                            FIVE-STAR GENERAL
                  What do you mean, "he's not on the
                  program"?

                                 THE TICK
                  Crazy, right?  A week ago, I wouldn't have
                  believed me either.  But a lot can happen
                  in a week.

                                                      FADE TO BLACK.

    Title card: "One week earlier..." 

    FADE IN:
    INT. LONELY PANDA RESTAURANT

    Close-up on a book, "Immortally Yours", held in The Tick's hands. 
    Pull back to reveal THE TICK, BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN
    LIBERTY sitting in a booth.

                                 THE TICK
                  Good Lord, the man stopped a volcano with
                  a chunk of polar ice cap!

                                  ARTHUR
                  Oh yeah, I remember that!  I was at
                  computer camp that summer, and they
                  announced it over the loudspeaker.
                        (laughs)
                  I had his official sleeping bag, the one
                  with all the pictures of him on it.  Well,
                  some kid filled it with rocks and dumped
                  it into Lake Cannepaqui.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Yes, well, that's the sort of skullduggery
                  one must expect at computer camp.

                                 THE TICK
                  The man is absolutely indestructible; he
                  flies, he's got the...
                        (waves his finger in front of
                         his eyes)
                  heat vision.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Also, I hear he's gay.  Yeah, Janet, when
                  you pick him up at the airport, ask him if
                  he's gay.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  You know, I can't tell if you're more
                  jealous of him, or me getting to hang out
                  with him.

                                 THE TICK
                  The latter!  What I wouldn't give to be in
                  your sparkly gold moccasins today, working
                  side by side with the legend himself,
                  the... Immortal.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Well, I'm not really working with him,
                  Tick; I've just been assigned to escort
                  him while he visits The City on his book
                  tour.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Escort?  So, like a call girl, uh?  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  No, like an authorized representative of a
                  very grateful government extending just a
                  little bit of courtesy to a man who has
                  saved the nation -- and the world -- about
                  a thousand times.

                                 THE TICK
                  Plus, he saved the moon twice.
                        (turns the page)
                  Three times!  

    Captain Liberty's torch beeps the opening notes of "The Star
    Spangled Banner".  She opens it up and reads a small screen set
    into it.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Look at that.  I gotta go.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Wait!  Uh... what time does the book
                  signing start again?

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Same time as last time you asked me:
                  seventeen hundred hours.  Later, boys.

    She exits.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, it's three o'clock now... Chisenbop!
                  That gives us...
                        (muttering and wiggling his
                         fingers)
                  Sixteen hundred ninety-seven hours to
                  kill!

                                  ARTHUR
                  No.  It doesn't.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, do the math, chum.  Seventeen
                  hundred minus three...

                                  ARTHUR
                  Tick, you are not sidetracking us today. 
                  Last time the Immortal was in town, I
                  waited outside his hotel for fifteen hours
                  to get his autograph.  He never came out.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Wait, wait.  That was, like, five years
                  ago.

                                  ARTHUR
                  Right!  It was snowing, I... got a
                  terrible cold.

                                BATMANUEL
                  No, no, wait.  Five years ago, you were a
                  man.  A grown man!  An adult man.  Waiting
                  in the snow like a ten-year-old for... oh,
                  no, no, no, no no, this is not what men
                  do.

                                  ARTHUR
                  You leave me alone?  The Immortal is the
                  reason I wanted to become a superhero in
                  the first place.
                        (beat)
                  I'm getting his autograph!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  I'm sorry, but that's just not cool.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Oh, well who made you the arbiter of cool?

                                BATMANUEL
                  It's Batmanuel's divine mission.  You can
                  do nothing about it.

                                 THE TICK
                        (stage whisper)
                  Batmanuel!  Am I cool?  

    Batmanuel just looks at The Tick.  Arthur slurps soda through his
    straw.

                                                      CUT TO:

    OPENING TITLES.


                              END OF TEASER

                                 ACT ONE

    FADE IN:
    INT. LONELY PANDA RESTAURANT

    As before.  ARTHUR finishes his soda and sets the glass down, then
    notices an attractive woman, CLARISSA, in the booth behind THE
    TICK and BATMANUEL, watching him.  Batmanuel turns around to see
    what he's looking at.

                                BATMANUEL
                  So you are a man, after all.  She likes
                  you.

                                 THE TICK
                        (re: the book)
                  Bachman-Turner Overdrive!  Look at this! 
                  He once fought a guy who was made entirely
                  of black holes!  Heavy.

                                BATMANUEL
                  She's still looking.  Why don't you ask
                  her out?

                                  ARTHUR
                  What?  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Do it now, Rabbit Man.  Before she gets
                  away and you never see her again.  If you
                  trust Batmanuel, you will listen to him. 
                  This is his area of expertise.  You trust
                  Batmanuel, yes?

                                  ARTHUR
                  No.
                        (whispering)
                  My God, she's coming over here!  

                                 CLARISSA
                  Uh... do you have the time?  

    The Tick and Batmanuel look at Arthur.  He starts to speak but
    freezes.  He lifts his arm as if to look at a watch, then freezes
    again.

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, we have sixteen hundred ninety-six
                  and a half hours, little lady.  Pick one.

                                 CLARISSA
                  Oh.  Okay, thanks.  

    She gives a little laugh, then exits.  Batmanuel stares accusingly
    at Arthur.

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. THE CITY

    A black limousine drives by.  

                           THE IMMORTAL (V.O.)
                  Hello.  

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. LIMOUSINE

    CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE IMMORTAL are in the back seat, The
    Immortal speaking on his cellphone.  He is clad in silver armor,
    with a purple winged helmet and gloves.

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  Yes, Your Holiness.  Thank you for getting
                  back to me so quickly.

    Captain Liberty looks at him adoringly.  

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  Ah, listen, uh... what is the "God angle"
                  on this whole thing?  Mmm-hmm.  Mmm-hmm? 
                  Great, so it's all good.  Right.  Thanks a
                  bunch, Your Holiness.  Do svidanya.

    He hangs up.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Okay, so!  You have the book signing from
                  five to seven, the dinner with the Mayor
                  at eight... oh, and then the Times
                  interview starts at around --

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  You know, I've been watching your career
                  very closely, Captain Liberty.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh, you have?  

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  Splendid work.  Splendid!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Really?  

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  The U.N. has asked me to put together an
                  international league of heroes, and I
                  think you'd be perfect for it.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh!  W-wow!  That's... quite an honor.  

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  Plus, you may just have the greatest pair
                  of legs in the whole galaxy.

    He puts his hand on her thigh and squeezes it.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  I-I live two blocks from here.  

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  Driver?  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. THE CITY

    A city block where Batmanuel's vehicle is parked.  BATMANUEL,
    ARTHUR and THE TICK enter.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Well, you had the -- the perfect
                  opportunity back there to meet, and
                  eventually couple with a sweetly scented
                  daughter of Eve, yet you hesitated --

                                  ARTHUR
                  Will you drop it already?  

                                BATMANUEL
                  I did drop it, but it came back again. 
                  Look, Arthur.  All I'm saying is when it
                  comes to women, you must seize the day.

    Arthur rolls his eyes.  Batmanuel notices a ticket on his
    windshield; he crumples it up and throws it to the ground as his
    cellphone rings.  He answers it.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Batmanuel.
                        (beat)
                  What? No, n- -- slow down, Janet.  You
                  what?

                                                      SHOCK CUT TO:

    INT. CAPTAIN LIBERTY'S APARTMENT

    THE TICK and ARTHUR are bending over the flag-draped corpse of THE
    IMMORTAL.  BATMANUEL stands behind them; in the background,
    CAPTAIN LIBERTY, wearing a bathrobe, is sitting on a chair,
    rocking forwards and backwards.  Her makeup is smeared and her
    hair is disheveled.

                                  ARTHUR
                  You killed The Immortal?  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  I didn't... I just... he seemed so... and
                  we were... and then sex... and then he...
                  died!

    Crying, she starts to take a drink out of the glass she's holding.
    Batmanuel takes the glass from her and sets it aside.

                                BATMANUEL
                  No no no no no no, Janet; we don't -- we
                  don't need this.  L-l-look, the situation
                  isn't hopeless, ah?  Batmanuel is here
                  now.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  They're gonna court-martial me for this. 
                  I'm gonna lose my job, and then I'm gonna
                  go down in history as the woman who killed
                  The Immortal -- oh my God, how could this
                  happen?

                                BATMANUEL
                  Come now, Janet, th-this is simply a hero
                  dying in the saddle; it's a story as old
                  as the hills.  Don't blame yourself...
                  even if others do.

    She hits him.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Not helping!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Okay, don't worry.  L-look, we'll just,
                  ah, drop his body in the river or
                  something; no one will be the wiser.
                        (beat)
                  What happened to your hair?  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  He has heat vision.  He had heat vision. 
                  When he got excited, he would...

    She gestures with her hands in front of her eyes, indicating.  The
    Tick and Arthur look up at the ceiling, where there are two scorch
    marks.

                                 THE TICK
                  Whoa, there's some cool for ya.  

                                  ARTHUR
                        (to the corpse)
                  You're The Immortal!  You can't die!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh!  I really blew it, didn't I?  

    Batmanuel snickers.  She throws the glass at him; he ducks, and it
    hits the wall behind The Tick and Arthur, knocking a picture off
    the wall.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Yes!  Yes!  There's the Janet we all know
                  and... and... yes.

                                  ARTHUR
                        (screaming)
                  Noooo!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Okay, we're losing Arthur now.  Tick, come
                  on.

                                 THE TICK
                  Right!  I'm on it.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  All right, let's forget the river.  What
                  -- what hotel was he staying at?

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  The Worcester.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Then that's where we'll leave him.  All
                  right?

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  We can't do that!  He has to be at a book
                  signing in, like, ten minutes, and when he
                  doesn't show up, I'm gonna be up crap
                  creek!  My God, there's gotta be something
                  we could --
                        (beat)
                  What size are you?  

                                BATMANUEL
                  I'm Batmanuel-sized.  Why?  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. CAPTAIN LIBERTY'S APARTMENT

    THE TICK and ARTHUR are standing behind Batmanuel's car, with the
    corpse of The Immortal wrapped in the flag.  The Tick places the
    body in the back seat.

                                  ARTHUR
                        (agitated)
                  Oh -- we can't be doing this; it's
                  disrespectful.  It's -- it's wrong!

                                 THE TICK
                  Liberty said we were saving a hero's
                  image.  Sounds like right to me.

                                  ARTHUR
                  Right?  There's nothing right, Tick.  The
                  Immortal is d- --
                        (whispering)
                  The Immortal is dead!  

                                 THE TICK
                        (whispering)
                  Yes, well, let's not point out his
                  shortcomings, chum.

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. BOOK STORE

    A crowd of fans has gathered; some are waving signs, most of them
    are holding copies of the book The Tick was reading earlier.  In
    front of the doors is a banner reading "The IMMORTAL signs copies
    of his new book today".  The limousine pulls up and the crowd
    begins cheering.  CAPTAIN LIBERTY gets out, and the crowd makes
    noises of disappointment.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Okay, people, settle down.  We had a
                  couple problems, but he is here now...

    She stands there for a couple of seconds, then bends down and
    looks in the car.

                             BATMANUEL (O.S.)
                  Janet, no, I'm not doing this.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh come on, you big girl, you promised me.

                             BATMANUEL (O.S.)
                  That was before I changed my mind.  This
                  is a crazy-person plan.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Come on!  

    She grabs him and pulls BATMANUEL out of the limosine, clad in The
    Immortal's costume.  The crowd murmurs for a few seconds, and she
    begins clapping, smiling brightly.  The crowd starts clapping,
    then cheers.  Batmanuel straightens up, then begins speaking to
    the crowd in an American accent.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Fear not!  Good people of The City!  For
                  The Immortal is here!

    He strikes a pose, then beams in response to the crowd's
    adulation.

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY

    The Manuelmobile pulls up, with ARTHUR driving and THE TICK riding
    shotgun.  The flag-wrapped corpse of The Immortal is sitting up in
    the back seat.

                                 THE TICK
                  Whooo!  Ha ha!  This Manuelmobile is the
                  cat's pajamas!  We gotta get one, chum!

                                  ARTHUR
                  Tick, please.  

    They get out, and The Tick retrieves the body.  

                                 THE TICK
                  All right -- what's the plan, man?  We
                  gotta get hip to the big sneaky if we're
                  gonna slip our dead friend into his hotel
                  room without being seen.

                                  ARTHUR
                  Shouldn't we, uh, have a moment of silence
                  or something?

                                 THE TICK
                  Okey doke.  

    Arthur bows his head.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Here's what I don't get, chum.  The
                  Immortal talks about the hardships of
                  growing up poor and dyslexic; he lists all
                  the incredible things that he's done, and
                  yet nowhere in his book does he mention
                  the fact that he's dead!

                                  ARTHUR
                  What are you talking about?  He just died!

                                 THE TICK
                  Huh?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  That's what happens, Tick; one minute
                  you're alive, you're a hero to the whole
                  world, a hero to me... the next -- poof! 
                  You're dead.

                                 THE TICK
                  Oh, come on, chum!  You're making it sound
                  like it could happen to anybody!

                                  ARTHUR
                  Well, who do you think it happens to?  

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, you know... dead people?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Everybody dies, Tick.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Everybody?  Even horses?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Yes, horses.  Everybody.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Everybody?  You're positive?  

    Arthur nods.  

                                 THE TICK
                  This comes as quite a shock.  Cats?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Yes.  

                                 THE TICK
                  You?  

    Arthur nods.  

                                 THE TICK
                  I'd better sit down.  Hold this for a
                  second, chum.

    He transfers the body to Arthur, who falls over, and sits on the
    hood of the car.

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. BOOK STORE

    BATMANUEL, in The Immortal's costume, and CAPTAIN LIBERTY are
    sitting at a table in front of a display of The Immortal's books;
    a banner above the shelves reads "IMMORTALLY YOURS".  There are
    more books on the table, in front of which is a line of people
    waiting to have their books signed.  Batmanuel signs one title
    page "The Immortal" with a magic marker and starts to hand it back
    to KEVIN, who's at the head of the line.

                                  KEVIN
                  Could you make it out "To Kevin, my Number
                  One Fan"?

                                BATMANUEL
                        (suave, American accent)
                  Surely.  

    He takes the book back and writes some more.  

                                  KEVIN
                  Awesome!  Thanks!  Oh, it is so awesome to
                  meet you in person.
                        (beat)
                  Uh, when did you grow a goatee?  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  All right, people, let's just keep that
                  line moving.

                                  KEVIN
                  I'm gonna grow a goatee.  

    The woman behind Kevin shoves him out of the way and hands her
    copy to Batmanuel.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  You know, you should soak it up while you
                  can; it's the closest you're ever gonna
                  get to being a real hero.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Please.  I'm a better hero than The
                  Immortal.  I slept with you lots of times;
                  I never died.

    She glares at him.  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY

    THE TICK is standing in front of the car, looking up at the
    building.  Arthur is sitting down, with The Immortal propped up
    against the dumpster beside Arthur.

                                 THE TICK
                  Now, Liberty said room four-oh-six; it's
                  probably that one with a balcony.  He'd
                  have a balcony, don't you think?

                                  ARTHUR
                  What difference does it make?  

                                 THE TICK
                  I could throw him that far.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  I mean, what does she expect us to do? 
                  You think they're not gonna notice a dead
                  superhero being dragged through their
                  lobby?

    The Tick picks up the body.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Oh, God, they're gonna put us away for
                  this, aren't they?  We're gonna be on the
                  news!

    The Tick looks up and hefts the body.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Oh, yeah.  I can do this.  

    He prepares to throw it.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Tick!  No!  

    But Arthur is too late.  The Tick throws the body upwards; they
    watch it go up, then Arthur scrambles out of the way as it falls
    back down and hits the ground with a splat.

                                 THE TICK
                  We have a Plan B?  

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. BOOKSTORE

    As before.  BATMANUEL hands a book back to a woman in line.  

                                  WOMAN
                  Thank you!  

    She leaves, and a PARALEGAL standing behind her drops a manila
    envelope on the table.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Happy reading.  

    Batmanuel starts to sign it.  

                                PARALEGAL
                  It's a subpoena, sir.  

    Batmanuel and CAPTAIN LIBERTY stare at him.  

                                PARALEGAL
                  Your paternity hearing is in a week.  Good
                  day.

    He starts to leave, and Batmanuel calls out after him.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Paternity?  No, no, no, no!  I settled
                  that out of court...

    He looks at it again and realizes who he's supposed to be.  

                                BATMANUEL
                        (to Captain Liberty)
                  Oh, it's... not for me.  It's for... "me"!

    Captain Liberty grabs the envelope.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Paternity hearing?  Well, this has gotta
                  be a mistake!  The Immortal would never...

                                BATMANUEL
                  Sleep around?
                        (scoffs)
                  Oh, Janet, please; are you that na´ve?
                        (beat)
                  Oh, you're not really having an attack of
                  "I thought I was the only ones", are you? 
                  Come on, the man was a celebrity.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Just once, I would like to meet a man who
                  is nice and funny and superhuman.  Someone
                  who's exactly who they say they are.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Well, look no further.
                        (beat)
                  Ooh, there they are.  

    ARTHUR and THE TICK enter.  The Tick is carrying the flag that The
    Immortal was wrapped in.

                                 THE TICK
                  Potatoes?  Potatoes too?  A potato can
                  die?

                                  ARTHUR
                  Yes, Tick, even potatoes.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Ludicrous!  

    Captain Liberty meets them halfway to the table.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Ah!  All done, good Captain.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Great!  We might actually pull this off! 
                  Did anybody see you?

                                  ARTHUR
                  No.  Nobody; and we took side streets all
                  the way back uptown.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  You mean all the way back downtown.  

    Arthur and The Tick look at each other.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Tell me you didn't leave him at the
                  downtown Worcester.

                                 THE TICK
                  Yep.  And it couldn't have gone smoother. 
                  Here's your fancy blanket back, and you
                  might wanna get this washed.

    She throws the flag back into his arms.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Uptown! 

    The bookstore patrons fall silent and turn to look at her.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  What?!
                        (to Arthur and The Tick)
                  He is staying at the uptown Worcester,
                  now... you're gonna get us thrown into
                  jail, you dinks!

                                  ARTHUR
                  Well, you didn't say which one!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Yes... I... did!  Now you go back there
                  and you get him!	

                                  ARTHUR
                  Go back?  No way!  I had to fake an
                  epileptic seizure in the lobby; it was
                  horrible!

                                 THE TICK
                  Oh, no, chum!  You were great!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Go... now... do it!  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Some guy jammed his wallet into my mouth! 
                  I can still taste it!

    She grabs him by his harness and lifts him up.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Please!  

    He looks at her, looks down at her hand, and back up at her.  

                                  ARTHUR
                        (tightly)
                  Fine.
                        (beat)
                  Put me down.  

    She releases him.  He adjusts his harness and stalks off.  She
    looks at The Tick and makes an impatient gesture; he exits.  Angle
    back on the signing table, where Kevin is now standing next to
    Batmanuel.

                                  KEVIN
                  So who do you think would win in a fight,
                  you or the Hulk?

    Captain Liberty walks up, grabs him and throws him out of frame. 
    She sits down next to Batmanuel and whispers into his ear.

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. WORCESTER HOTEL

    THE TICK has wrapped The Immortal's body back up in the flag.  He
    picks it up.

                                 THE TICK
                  Ewwww!  All stiff and stale!  

    He swings the body around, banging its head into the wall and
    knocking over a lamp.  He makes for the door, but spins around
    when he hears someone knocking on it.

                               MAID (O.S.)
                  Hello?  

    The Tick freezes, then starts darting around looking for a way
    out.

                               MAID (O.S.)
                  Housekeeping.  

    The deadbolt turns; The Tick spins around, knocking over another
    lamp.  The door starts to open.

                               MAID (O.S.)
                  Housekeeping.  

    The Tick tries to go out to the balcony, but he bangs the body
    into the sliding glass door, which shatters.

                                 THE TICK
                        (stage whisper)
                  Oh!  Hurry!  I'm sorry!  

    The maid enters and sees The Tick out on the balcony, preparing to
    drop the body over the side.  She screams.  The Tick drops the
    body and turns towards the maid in panic.

                                 THE TICK
                  No moleste!  No moleste!   Ahhhhh!  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY

    Arthur is waiting in the driver's seat of Batmanuel's car.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Never said uptown!  

    The body falls onto the hood of the car.  Arthur screams.  The
    Tick jumps down beside the car.  Arthur screams again.

                                 THE TICK
                  That was farther than it looked.  

    The Tick picks up the body and carries it around the car to the
    back seat.

                                 THE TICK
                  Good thing this fella's invulnerable, or
                  we would've had a real mess on our hands.

                                                      FADE OUT.

                              END OF ACT ONE

                                 ACT TWO

    INT. FUNERAL HOME

    As at the beginning.  THE TICK is still at the podium.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, just for kicks, let's look at the
                  word "funeral" for a moment.  Starts with
                  the word "fun", doesn't it?  And all I see
                  out there are a bunch of sad faces.  Well,
                  the Grim Reaper's an ugly customer, I'll
                  grant you that, but you know who's worse? 
                  It's Mr. Mope.

    BATMANUEL, ARTHUR and CAPTAIN LIBERTY slouch in the pew and hide
    their faces.

                                 THE TICK
                  And I say unto you, watch out, folks! 
                  'Cause old Mr. Mope's got you all wrapped
                  up in the wet blanket of his mopey!

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. WORCESTER HOTEL -- ALLEY

    ARTHUR is hyperventilating behind the wheel as THE TICK throws the
    flag-wrapped body into the back seat.

                                 THE TICK
                  How ya hanging in there, chum?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  How am I hanging in there?  How do you
                  think?  Everything is upside down!  There
                  is no order to the universe!  How can I be
                  a superhero in a world where The Immortal
                  can die?  He was The Immortal!  I'm...
                  I'm... I'm just hypoglycemic; what chance
                  can I possibly have?

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, boy howdy, you got some serious
                  buckin' up to do.  "What chance do I
                  have?"  Life is your chance, Arthur; grab
                  it!  Squeeze the milk of life into your
                  dirty glass and drink it warm!  I'll tell
                  you what, if death does happen to
                  everybody, then I submit -- and follow me
                  here if you can, 'cause this gets wiggy --
                  I submit the very presence of death is
                  what makes life all the more precious!

                                  ARTHUR
                        (beat)
                  Oh yeah, that's brand new.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Well...  

    The Tick gets in the passenger seat and Arthur starts the car.  

                                                      REVOLVE WIPE TO:

    EXT. BOOKSTORE -- NIGHT

    ARTHUR and THE TICK pull up in the Manuelmobile, brakes squealing.
    BATMANUEL and CAPTAIN LIBERTY come running up from the store's
    front door.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Hey!  Hey!  Th-that's not the way to treat
                  the Manuelmobile!  Kid gloves, Arthur!

    Captain Liberty hits Batmanuel.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh, get in the car, you big girl!  I'm
                  driving.

    Arthur gives a sigh of relief and gets out of the car.  Captain
    Liberty notices the body.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  What is he doing in the back seat?  Do you
                  want to get caught?  Have you never heard
                  of a trunk?

                                 THE TICK
                  Well, I tried that, but he doesn't fold up
                  so easy any more.

    Batmanuel, in the back seat, shoves the body over and into Arthur,
    who looks at it and yelps.  Captain Liberty walks around and gets
    into the driver's seat.

                                BATMANUEL
                  You know, if you'd asked out that girl
                  from the Panda when I told you, you'd be
                  on a date right now, instead of driving
                  around in the makeshift hearse of your
                  childhood hero.  Just something to think
                  about for next time.

    A siren sounds, and a police car pulls up behind the Manuelmobile.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Oh, no, no, no!  Come on!  

                                 THE TICK
                  Police guys!  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Oh my God.  Oh my God!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  That's it!  We're dead!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Janet, calm down.
                        (American accent)
                  Let The Immortal do the talkin'.  

                                  COP #1
                  Excuse me, Ma'am...  

    Captain Liberty floors the accelerator, pulling away to leave the
    two cops staring after the car.  Everyone in the car screams,
    except for The Tick, who laughs as if he's on a roller coaster.

                                  COP #2
                  That was weird.  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT

    The Manuelmobile screeches to a stop in front of the main
    entrance.  THE TICK gets out first, followed by CAPTAIN LIBERTY.

                                BATMANUEL
                  So this is how you handle things, ah?  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Shut up!  Arthur, stay here with the body.

                                  ARTHUR
                  D- -- I...  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  We gotta go check this out.  Come on. 
                  Come on!

    Captain Liberty, The Tick and BATMANUEL enter the hotel.  ARTHUR
    punches the seat in frustration.  He does a double-take at the
    body of CAPTAIN IMMORTAL as it starts to tip over, and he returns
    it to an upright position.

                               THE IMMORTAL
                        (heavy reverb)
                  Crazy day, uh?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Ah!  God!  Wh-why... why... why are you
                  doing this to me?  What do you want?

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  The Tick was right, Arthur.  You got to
                  grab onto life while you can.

                                  ARTHUR
                  No.  No, I'm not hearing this; you're
                  dead!

                               THE IMMORTAL
                  True.  You're gonna die some day too,
                  Arthur.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe years from
                  now.  Since you don't know when it'll be,
                  you've just got to seize the day.

    Arthur stares at The Immortal, and Captain Liberty, The Tick and
    Batmanuel run out of the hotel.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Okay.  Okay, coast is clear.  Manuel, you
                  go to the front desk.  The sight of The
                  Immortal checking in should be enough of a
                  distraction to get us through the lobby. 
                  Arthur, you keep the motor running; you're
                  on getaway.

                                 THE TICK
                  Getaway!  You lucky duck!  

    The Tick grabs the body and pulls it across Arthur.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Oh!  Guh!  Uh!  

    He punches the seat in frustration as The Tick slings the body
    over his shoulder with a squishy crunching noise and runs into the
    hotel with it.  Arthur, panting, looks after him and notices
    Clarissa, walking with two other women, coming out of the lobby. 
    He thinks for a second and then jumps out of the car, falling over
    when he hits the ground.

                                  ARTHUR
                  Excuse me!  

    He looks around and spots them, then approaches.  The two other
    women wave and one of them says "goodbye" to Clarissa, who stops
    and looks at Arthur.

                                  ARTHUR
                  Look.  I'll probably be arrested soon. 
                  And then, of course, I'll be dead.  But
                  before all that happens, I just wanted to
                  say...
                        (long beat)
                  ... hi.  

                                 CLARISSA
                        (smiling)
                  Hi.  

    Arthur smiles back at her.  

                                                      CLOSE-CURTAIN WIPE TO:

    INT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL

    A room which looks exactly like the room we saw in the Downtown
    Worcester.  CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE TICK (carrying the
    flag-wrapped body) enter; BATMANUEL is already in the room,
    sticking bottles from the wetbar into his boots.

                                 THE TICK
                  Hey, this looks just like the room in the
                  other place!

    He throws the body onto the bed.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Could've left him there; he wouldn't have
                  known the difference.

    Batmanuel is gathering up other hotel items into his arms.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Incredible, yes.  Can we get away from the
                  dead person now, before we're all arrested
                  forever?

                                 THE TICK
                  Good heavens, all we did was give a dead
                  guy a lift!  What's the fuss?

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Are you out of your mind?  My God, Tick,
                  what planet are you living on?

                                 THE TICK
                  Planet Me.  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  Planet Stupid!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Hey!  Hey hey hey!  Don't take it out on
                  The Tick!  He didn't hop into bed with a
                  national treasure and kill him with his
                  pink secrets!

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  It wasn't my fault!  

                                BATMANUEL
                  It wasn't my fault!  

                                 THE TICK
                        (yelling)
                  Why is everybody yelling?  

                                                      DIAGONAL WIPE TO:

    EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT

    As before; Arthur and Clarissa are still talking.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  I know this isn't a future thing; I know
                  it's a now thing, so... don't worry.  I
                  have no expectations.  I mean, I have
                  literally none.  And I'd really like to,
                  uh...  to...

    She grabs his chin, leans forward and kisses him on the lips.  He
    looks stunned.

                                 CLARISSA
                  My friends are waiting.  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Right.  Um, before you go, could I get...
                  th-... uh...

                                 CLARISSA
                  You mean my phone number?  

                                  ARTHUR
                  Yes.  

    Laughing, she pulls out a piece of paper, writes on it and hands
    it to him, then walks off.  He looks at it for a few seconds, then
    turns it over to reveal a pencil portrait of himself which she had
    done in the Lonely Panda.  He smiles, then looks off into the
    distance.

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL

    Batmanuel is gathering up more items from off a table, then moves
    off towards the door, miniature bottles clinking.

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  W-what do you think you're doing?  

                                BATMANUEL
                  What?  You're not paying for the room;
                  what do you care?

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  I don't!  I care about the fact you're
                  still in that costume, stupid!  We have to
                  put it back on him, or it'll look
                  suspicious!

                                BATMANUEL
                  Oh.  Oh, fine.  Did you bring my clothes? 

    She stares at him.  

                                                      CUT TO:

    EXT. UPTOWN WORCESTER HOTEL -- NIGHT

    BATMANUEL (wrapped in the flag), CAPTAIN LIBERTY and THE TICK exit
    the hotel.

                                BATMANUEL
                  Tsh, unbelievable.  I cannot wait to go
                  home and be Batmanuel once more.

    They stop as they see the TWO COPS from earlier, standing next to
    the car; one of them is writing a ticket.

                                 THE TICK
                  Hey, it's those police guys again!  

                             CAPTAIN LIBERTY
                  I knew it!  I knew we wouldn't make it
                  through this.  Oh, God, why didn't I just
                  'fess up?

                                BATMANUEL
                  Janet.  Janet, relax.  I told you before,
                  I will take care of everything.  After
                  all, I am... Batmanuel.

    He steps forward.  

                                BATMANUEL
                  Officers, what, ah, seems to be the
                  problem?

    The Tick notices ARTHUR hiding behind a column.  

                                  COP #1
                  Well, this vehicle has about eight
                  thousand dollars in unpaid parking
                  violations, and we are gonna impound 'er. 
                  Are you Bat Manual?

                                BATMANUEL
                  Batmanuel.
                        (beat)
                  Ah ha ha ha, heh heh heh.  No, I never
                  heard of him.

    He walks away.  

                                                      CUT TO:

    INT. FUNERAL HOME

    As before.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Wow, look at me.  Babblin' like the brook
                  that knew too much.

                              GENERAL'S AIDE
                  The MPs are ready to tackle him off the
                  stage, sir.

                                 THE TICK
                        (under the Aide's line)
                  But the brook doesn't know as much as it
                  thinks it knows.

                            FIVE-STAR GENERAL
                  Mmm.  Belay that for the moment.  I'm
                  starting to like the cut of this man's
                  gibberish.

                                 THE TICK
                  I believe we're all gathered here today to
                  say goodbye to our dead friend, The
                  Immortal.  Let's do that, shall we?

    He waves cheerfully at the coffin.  

                                 THE TICK
                  Bye, Morty!  

    The mourners start turning to each other and murmuring.  The
    Tick's friends look embarassed.

                                 THE TICK
                  Hey, now, no one's sayin' that death isn't
                  sad!  But it's also the Mount Everest of
                  Life!  And I say when your time comes,
                  climb it!  Who knows what wonders may lay
                  at the icy summit of Death Mountain? 
                  Might be nice up there!  And think of...
                  all the people that've gone before ya! 
                  You may get to shake hands with some of
                  the greatest minds in human history!  Then
                  again, I dunno, maybe death's just
                  Nature's way of sayin'... "Try again."

    The General rises to his feet, clapping.  Others follow suit.  The
    widow says something which is obscured by the applause. 
    Eventually, Batmanuel, Arthur and Captain Liberty stand and
    applaud too.  The Tick looks around and nods, smiling.

                                                      FADE TO BLACK.

                                   END
      

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